Confidence
How
many of you remember being fourteen?
I
know for some of you that can be a long time ago and some of you aren't that
old yet,
but I also know you have the imagination to bear with me and picture
yourself.
We
all know that insecurity, from the high-school hallways to the cafeteria lines
to the
ways
important people in our lives can beggar like the homeless asking us for
change.
Yeah,
we all picture it.
I
was fourteen when I first had a grown man turn to me and say "kid, you
didn't make it" and I couldn't shake it
and haven't been able to since.
So
not every teenager makes his rep hockey team but for me it was the start of
something called confidence.
Or
lack thereof.
Because
I've invested roots in realism, and the evidence I see compiles and pushes me
back into bed yeah waking up is hard, when there's a weight on your head.
Simple things aren't so simple when we second guess and my gut reaction is to
question "hey, what if this is like that other time?"
"What
if this is like the dictionary that turned into a love letter that was cut
short in its presentation by a breakup"
"What
if this is like the sweat that clung to your face after that hard-won 2-1
hockey game, when you pulled off the pads and was met with "Sorry kid, you
still aren't good enough.
What
if this is like the dust that gets brushed aside, too small to pinpoint
but
it's the details that deflate us when we come up just inches short.
What
if this is every time I try to grab life by the throat and I invariably choke
and where did my confidence go? Where's my swagger?
Yeah,
we all picture it.
So
why is it so haunting, I'm shooting daggers of jealousy at those who take their
odds and chances to heart and how am I supposed to have confidence when in this
desert of competitive capitalism we often forget that there's two sides to the
coins we hoard.
Every
night's a crusade to find someone to listen and a story worth telling why do I
shake when I perform poetry?
There
are words and letters from afar saying stay where you are because you won't
make it here are along the walls fall asleep to that same low, droning hum.
wake
up a few hours late because it's hard, when you wish you had a time machine,
had a mulligan on the things that decided what the highs and lows were of your confidence.
Maybe
the turning point, is realizing that there's only one person worth lying to,
and that's the reflection of your own truths, that messy-haired boy or girl
staring back at you in the mirror. Refuse to look at that measuring tape as it
goes across your waistline, lose count of how many push-ups you can do in a
day, for a few minutes if you can just forget about where you're going and if
you'll ever make it there, and just say "I will."
The
mindset of the greats is That maybe if for awhile, you can outrun your track
record then you never look back and maybe that's why the first fish came on to land,
because
he was tired of telling himself he belonged in the water,
So
I'm gonna take a lesson from evolution, and dedicate this to the never-made-its
and the people out there who are listening and thinking that their old evaluation of themselves made sense to them because if it did, you need to
re-examine. Lie to yourself.
Remember
that the only truths are the ones that get you through and to never let the day
to day dismal bother you from the facts. Fact is a lie is an apple, only one a
day keeps the pessimist away. We all need a checkup once in awhile but the side
effects can be addictive so don't let yourself get hooked on a high dosage of
low esteem. You are smart enough. You are beautiful enough, you are strong
enough and you are enough. Find some confidence in that.
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